Jackie Chang sacrificing the ZZZs to develop her Senior Theezzzz.....
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Some Imagery, Thumbnails, Storyboards
From bottom to top cause I do not know how to do it the other way! Comments appreciated :) Also, idea is subject to change. Besides the first image, everything is following through on the apple farm idea.
I think you start of wonderfully, and it could be really cool to go back and forth between flashbacks and present time. It feels well paced until you get to the point where she says why she's leaving. After that point, it seems very rushed, and the ending lacks the emotional punch I think it deserves. With some slight reworking, it could be INTENSE.
For example, is the man happy/content with the fact that this one tree has apples? It might be really cool to have him (after he notices the tree he's tied to) look out and see the entire orchard covered with thriving apple trees. He could be extremely overwhelmed with emotion and joy (tearing up), and while he and the audience are feeling hopeful, he accidentally falls off balance and starts hanging, and then we're all brought into worrying whether he'll make it alive or not. You can stretch that out to create a really gripping moment.
And after he survives, you should probably also include an epilogue of some sort that provides closure with the woman. What will he do now that the orchards are producing apples? Will he win her back? Will he let her go on her way? Right now, it feels unresolved, seeing as he was ready to kill himself from her absence.
One last question, how is it the apples are flourishing? I got the sense that he hasn't been out to the orchards for quite some time, so how did they grow so well?
I feel like the boards unnecessarily dispose of the beautiful ending in your story treatment. I love the idea of the realization about the trees that naturally produce amazing apples, and I think this would be extremely poignant. Why not board that ending and see how it turns out?
I was confused in some of the earlier pages; it seems like he stepped onto the bucket and put the noose around his neck multiple times?
"He fortunately has his hands blocking the choke. He frantically flips over onto a branch of the tree and saves himself. He’s within the tree and sees many apples and creatures and ponders about life."
I like the imagery of him thinking within the cover of the tree, surrounded by a few insects, birds, etc. However, I'm not seeing how he gets there:
Just as an idea, what if you made that old man really fat - so fat that when he ties the noose and goes to jump, it backfires and the entire tree falls over, killing it instead. Right now it doesn't seem justifiable that he would try and save himself after going through all of that effort to kill himself.
This could be pretty funny (ironic) and get him inside the tree fast. Birds would have a reason to be flurrying past him and it would certainly give him something to think about.
as far as character design goes, you could make him fat by designing his body type to look like an apple.
I agree with Sean on the comment that the beginning starts out well and that it finishes too quickly.
I still have a few questions though: Why is he killing himself if he grew the apples? Why wouldn't he just not grow the apples if his wife was so opposed to it? Does he not love her more than the apples if he's killing himself over loosing her? Why is the wife so opposed to having chemicals in the apples?
I just feel that the wife is the main driving factor in the story and that you need to tell more about her in the flashbacks to have the audience understand the present time situation with more detail.
Great start though, I really love the idea of an apple orchard.
I like the idea, I don't know if closure of the woman is needed, but I do think that it needs to be VERY clear why he does not decide to kill himself. I understand it in the treatment, but it could be lost on screen. It has a bit of a 500 days o' summer aspect going on which I like. I would also like to see what happens to his apples though after he grows them. Does he just eat them, or does he give them to little orphans and make them smile, which makes him realize his life is worth it.
maybe he's killing himself and he sees a starving kid who can't reach an apple from the tree, so he stops killing himself to pick the apple for the boy and then realizes life is worth living.
I think you start of wonderfully, and it could be really cool to go back and forth between flashbacks and present time. It feels well paced until you get to the point where she says why she's leaving. After that point, it seems very rushed, and the ending lacks the emotional punch I think it deserves. With some slight reworking, it could be INTENSE.
ReplyDeleteFor example, is the man happy/content with the fact that this one tree has apples? It might be really cool to have him (after he notices the tree he's tied to) look out and see the entire orchard covered with thriving apple trees. He could be extremely overwhelmed with emotion and joy (tearing up), and while he and the audience are feeling hopeful, he accidentally falls off balance and starts hanging, and then we're all brought into worrying whether he'll make it alive or not. You can stretch that out to create a really gripping moment.
And after he survives, you should probably also include an epilogue of some sort that provides closure with the woman. What will he do now that the orchards are producing apples? Will he win her back? Will he let her go on her way? Right now, it feels unresolved, seeing as he was ready to kill himself from her absence.
One last question, how is it the apples are flourishing? I got the sense that he hasn't been out to the orchards for quite some time, so how did they grow so well?
I feel like the boards unnecessarily dispose of the beautiful ending in your story treatment. I love the idea of the realization about the trees that naturally produce amazing apples, and I think this would be extremely poignant. Why not board that ending and see how it turns out?
ReplyDeleteI was confused in some of the earlier pages; it seems like he stepped onto the bucket and put the noose around his neck multiple times?
"He fortunately has his hands blocking the choke. He frantically flips over onto a branch of the tree and saves himself. He’s within the tree and sees many apples and creatures and ponders about life."
ReplyDeleteI like the imagery of him thinking within the cover of the tree, surrounded by a few insects, birds, etc. However, I'm not seeing how he gets there:
Just as an idea, what if you made that old man really fat - so fat that when he ties the noose and goes to jump, it backfires and the entire tree falls over, killing it instead. Right now it doesn't seem justifiable that he would try and save himself after going through all of that effort to kill himself.
This could be pretty funny (ironic) and get him inside the tree fast. Birds would have a reason to be flurrying past him and it would certainly give him something to think about.
as far as character design goes, you could make him fat by designing his body type to look like an apple.
Just a thought...
I agree with Sean on the comment that the beginning starts out well and that it finishes too quickly.
ReplyDeleteI still have a few questions though:
Why is he killing himself if he grew the apples?
Why wouldn't he just not grow the apples if his wife was so opposed to it?
Does he not love her more than the apples if he's killing himself over loosing her?
Why is the wife so opposed to having chemicals in the apples?
I just feel that the wife is the main driving factor in the story and that you need to tell more about her in the flashbacks to have the audience understand the present time situation with more detail.
Great start though, I really love the idea of an apple orchard.
I like the idea, I don't know if closure of the woman is needed, but I do think that it needs to be VERY clear why he does not decide to kill himself. I understand it in the treatment, but it could be lost on screen. It has a bit of a 500 days o' summer aspect going on which I like. I would also like to see what happens to his apples though after he grows them. Does he just eat them, or does he give them to little orphans and make them smile, which makes him realize his life is worth it.
ReplyDeletemaybe he's killing himself and he sees a starving kid who can't reach an apple from the tree, so he stops killing himself to pick the apple for the boy and then realizes life is worth living.
I dunno... just a thought.